The Story That Is You

I must admit that I had been standing outside of my story for years! Hustling for my worthiness, trying to fit in, and neglecting my authentic self. After reading the Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, I came to realize that the put together, all of the time woman I was seeking, was only a myth.

My aha moment came when she penned these words...

" When we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don't fit with who we think we're supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving."

How many of us have done this time and time again?

I raise my hand twice because this is me!!!

I am supposed to be the strong one so I can't break down. I am supposed to be the leader so no one can see me fail. I am supposed to be the one that has the answers so I surely cannot tell anyone that I do not know.

Okay, so I am raising my hands two more times!!!

I wondered why I was continuously tired. I didn't realize at the time that I was in constant hustle mode. Trying to please others, striving for perfection, and proving myself daily left me in a state of panic mode. What if someone saw the real me? What if someone new that I wasn't strong all of the time?  What if someone knew that even though I was smiling, I was slowly dying inside?  What if someone saw me totally exposed? What if someone saw me in all of my glorious flaws?

What if?...

"What ifs" are dangerous for so many reasons. The main reason being, that it leaves you drowning in a sea of doubt that eventually becomes a raging storm. It also creates an inner turmoil so outrageously unsettling that you become a basket of unworthiness. I found myself "what iffing" (yes, I said it... we are going to make it a thing) so much that I lost the true purpose of who I was and what I needed to share. My story is not so different from many of you who are reading this, however, it is mine and I should own it. I should live it. I should understand that someone needs to see me in my not so strong moments. Someone needs to see that everything is not perfect. Someone needs to see how I continue on in spite of the flaws. This my friend, is reality! I was feeding others a false sense of what real life looks like. I do not want anyone to think that if you break down that you are not strong. Or that you are a failure if something didn't work out as you thought. I do not want to be responsible for misleading anyone into what I now call the "pseudo dimension".

In the pseudo dimension, everything that glitters is gold. Life is perfect and so are we. Everything we try is an absolute success and let's not forget that everyone wears rose colored glasses. Sounds great, right?... not so much!!!

Brene Brown went on to say that, 

" Owning our story and loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing that we will ever do."

If this doesn't show strength, then I think I have this thing called life all wrong. Being brave does not mean we have to fight bears in the woods or not cover our face during a scary movie. It means being afraid but doing it anyhow. It means courage!

Own your story!

Love yourself while you do!

You will grow tremendously and you will also be in a position to help someone else by sharing!

Thoughts That Kill

Thoughts!!!

Throughout my life, I did not realize how much I was sabotaging my own life by the thoughts that I kept on a daily basis. Negativity consumed my mind and therefore it controlled my life. I didn’t understand, at the time, how something so small could make such a huge impact.

Searching my kindle, I ran across a book called Your Thoughts Are Killing You by Marybeth Wuenschel. This book gave me a new perspective about changing my thoughts to avoid the struggles that I continued to find myself stumbling into.

“ A stronghold begins with just a thought and, if allowed, can grow from one thought into a series of thoughts that become default thought patterns. These thoughts take control and capture what they were never authorized to take: our peace of mind and self-control.“

All I could say after digesting those two sentences was, “WOW” !!! I was giving my negative thoughts power and they were not even supposed to have access to any of it. I had physically manifested what started as a small whisper of doubt, fear, and unworthiness into a giant mudslide called my life. I could not blame anyone or anything on this disaster. It was all me! Once I realized this, I understood that since I created this life, I could also UN-create it.

This was a process! An everyday, change how you think about things process. My perspective was no longer seeing the glass as half empty. At this point, I was just happy to have a glass. I began to become grateful for each day and each opportunity. Good or Bad. Yes, bad experiences are opportunities as well. I have done my best growing in those times.  It was not easy so I took it one small victory at a time. I celebrated when I reached every tiny step that allowed me to get closer to my goal. When I missed the mark, I did not berate myself. I just picked myself up and kept on going.

You have the ability to live an abundant life! All you have to do is believe in you!

We are not perfect and we will make mistakes, however, that is never the end. Set small attainable goals for yourself and celebrate each moment of success no matter how minor it may seem. When negative thoughts pop in, don't dwell on them. Instead, replace them with something positive.

Saving yourself starts with the thoughts you keep!

You got this!

Give Me Free!

I can finally say that I can breathe!!!

“Freedom is such, that it is desired by every creature. From this we see that it is the soul's tendency and the spirit's longing to become free. Animals and birds, however carefully educated and tended by us, still have the instinct to avoid being confined.” – The Freedom of the Soul

For the last couple of years I have been trapped in an open cage. No one was keeping me there. No one forced me to stay, but yet there I remained.  I could not grow. I could not move. I could not see. My whole life was one big stagnant mess and I did not know how to relieve myself of the prison I created in my mind. I was bound by fear and the unknown. I thought I had security in the familiar but it was all an illusion.

Moving forward when you are unable to see the next step, is a scary place to be. I realized that an even scarier place, however,  was remaining in a space where I did not belong. Not only was it scary, but it was also painful. Every moment that I chose to continue on with my day to day task, led to a small piece of me dying. I did not notice it at first ,but one day my soul screamed, "NO MORE!!!". I felt it from the core of by being and I knew it was time to change my situation.

As, I write this, I still have no clue what the next step looks like. The one thing I do know, is that I am FREE! I am no longer bound by the chains that held me captive. I have been released to fulfill a greater purpose. I am in an unfamiliar land, doing unfamiliar things and I am embracing the unknown daily. I am confidently and boldly walking into my next season. I AM, because my life and the lives of those I touch, depends on it. Someone needs to experience my gift!!! It is not about me and the sooner I press forward, the more freedom my soul will acquire. 

Let your soul breathe! Give it the oxygen it needs to thrive. Set yourself FREE!

The Struggle is Real

I have noticed that in the last few weeks, I have been sharing my story. In doing so, I have come to realize that I am finally healed from the pain and heartbreak of my past. I didn't understand why I had to go through some of the worst moments of my life. I didn't understand why I had to be on the receiving end of trauma and abuse. I didn't understand why I could not get to the other side of struggle and stay there.

Looking at my past, help me to understand my present as well as prepare me for my future. I am a survivor and I am still here for a reason. Even though it felt like death at the time, I know now that it was never about me. It is about all women! It is about my story helping someone else to understand what I didn't get for so many years. I am no longer ashamed of my story! I share it boldly because when I look in the mirror, I realize that I made it by the grace of God.

If I did not go through my struggle, I would not be the woman I am today. I would not have the passion, empathy, or drive to encourage those that are living in their present struggle. Honestly, I am thankful for everything that came my way. I used each brick thrown at me to build a sturdy foundation in which I can create a sanctuary of peace.

I will continue to trust the process because I know it works. I understand that there will be new struggles that will appear. I know that my struggle was and is real, however, it is what makes the story so amazing!

When It Hurts to Let Go

It hurts to let go but sometimes it hurts more to hold on!

 

 "Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” – Ann Lander
 

When we think about letting go, it can feel as if a piece of who we are is dying. It can be so intense that we don't want to experience the excruciating pain. With anticipation of the end of one thing, we do not even consider the possibility of beginning something new. We get comfortable in our pain until we become numb to the ache. We begin to bleed! We continue to bleed! We bleed out and we slowly begin to die inside.

We have to open our hands to receive all that is promised to us. Closed hands will not do anything except keep what it already holds and most of the time, the thing we are holding is toxic enough to destroy who we are. This behavior is what leads to the fear we create in our mental spaces.

 

Fear has a way of keeping us trapped in an open cage. Fear can be paralyzing for most of us because we have no clue what the other side looks like. It consumes us to the point of creating mental and physical bondage.

 

I have come to the realization that I fear success. I fear being in the spotlight. I fear being seen. I fear not being good enough for what I have been called to do. I fear not living up to other's expectations. I will not, however, let that fear keep me mentally or physically bound. I will create an atmosphere of courage within me by continuing to move while fearful. Courage is not the absence of fear. It is having the mentality to do IT anyway!

 

 

 

I Am Not Okay!

   As the anniversary of the death of my fiancé approaches, I have been walking around as if I shouldn't still feel hurt. I put a smile on my face when I do not feel like smiling for the sake of those around me. What I recently realized was that I don't feel like smiling and I am overwhelmingly hurt. I am still filled with an overbearing pain that makes me feel as if his death happened yesterday.

I had to come to terms with the fact that not only am I dealing with the grief of the loss, but also the trauma of finding him with no breath in his body. I had to come to terms with the helplessness I felt when there was nothing I could do to save him. Not a day goes by that I do not see the image in my mind's eye.

Someone told me that it would get easier as time went on but I am not witnessing what that "easy" looks like in my reality. Time has not healed anything... It has only made me miss him more. I read somewhere that grief isn't me being weak. It isn't me lacking hope. Grief is the price for love lost. Grief comes and goes without warning. Most times I resist the tears and hold back my anger because I feel as if I need to behave a certain way around others. I do not want to burden them with my sadness so I put on my "big girl panties" and move about as if everything is well in my world.

I am now understanding the importance of not being okay and admitting it. I realize that it is perfectly fine to let others know that I am not okay. What I thought would be a burden to others ended up being a hug, a smile, a moment of laughter, or any other little gesture that would brighten up my life just at the right time.

So as I write, I am not okay and I know that there is nothing wrong with that. I know that if I continue on this journey I will have more moments of grief, however, I will be able to recognize it and move past that feeling after it has spent some time visiting.

Naked and Unashamed

This book sums it all up for me. I am on a writing challenge and I am writing naked and unashamed truth. It is raw and unscripted. Join me on the journey of self discovery as I find Peace from all of the broken pieces of my life.

If I were able to ask my younger self questions, I would ask her how it felt to be teased throughout her childhood. I would ask her how it felt to not have the love of her father. I would ask her how if felt to be hated by your siblings because you were the youngest. I would ask her why she felt lonely even though she had many friends. I would ask her why she did things she knew she would get in trouble for. I would ask her how she felt when her cousin tried to molest her. I would ask her why she blamed herself and why she never spoke up for herself.

My younger self will remind me that even though she was teased she made it through and is stronger for it. She will remind me that though my father did not show me love that my mother gave me all the love she had plus other family members. She would remind me that my siblings did not understand why I was treated different and they were kids who really did not know how to express themselves. Kids with their own issues and masks. She would remind me that loneliness did not feel good but because of it I know what not being alone feels like. She would remind me that the reason why I did things to get in trouble was because of the attention I felt like I couldn’t get. She would remind me that I did nothing to deserve someone violating me and I should not blame myself for someone else’s shortcomings. She would remind me that she did not speak up because she was afraid of rejection and the thought of no one believing her because she thought it was her fault.

If I were to ask my older self questions, I would ask her if she is satisfied with her life. I would ask her if she felt that everything she sacrificed was worth it. I would ask her if she ever found the love she lost on January 26^th. I would ask her how she learned to live with the pain of not sharing her life with her soulmate. I would ask her if she has any regrets in life. I would ask her if she was living her best life. I would ask her if her passion turned into her career. I would ask her if she and her children ever gotten on an even understanding about life. I would ask her when she found out her true purpose and how she walked in it. I would ask her if everything that she feared truly a reality or was she just putting up a barrier to protect herself.

My older self wants me to know that it all works out in the end. She wants me to know that I am worth every tear I have cried. She wants me to know that it will be hard work but I need to press through. She would want me to know that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. She would want me to know that if I stay committed, I will definitely succeed. She would want me to know that fear is only a crutch that I hold onto to avoid being successful. She would want me to know that success does not equate to being perfect. She would want me to know that I will find love again and this time it will be heavenly. She would want me to know that I should not close myself up. She would want me to know that I should express my feeling in ways that are healthy for healing. She would want me to know that I am more than a warrior and that I am strong. She would want me to know that my story will help so many like me. She would want me to know that I will make an impact on the world; one woman at a time. She would want me to know that when life gets tough, I should stand on the promises that God has given me. She would want me to know that I will live in that house I desire with my “happy room”.  She would want me to know that life is too short to allow others to dictate my life. She would want me to know that I am loved beyond measure. She would want me to know that my value in myself led other to believe they were worth it!

Who's fault is it?

 

 

How many times will we continue to blame ourselves for other people's actions. Every person has free will and has the ability to choose what they would like to do or not like to do. The only way someone is able to make a person do something is by literally "putting a gun to their head". Even then there is still a choice.

 

 

We then tell ourselves untruths like: "if I had only stayed" or "maybe if I would have done..." or "I should, would, or could have...". You could have done everything that you possibly could to help in the situation but the mindset is a difficult thing to change. Once a person has made up in their mind that they are going to do something, there is usually no turning back. So why is it that we continue to pick up the baggage from one person and carry it around? We usually pick up the suitcase full of guilt and drag it with us everywhere we go. It begins to weigh us down and soon we become physically unable to function. I am declaring to you today that it is not your fault!!!!

 

 



Storms of Life

At some point life continues to throw darts at you. When you think you have gotten through one storm, there comes another one. A bigger one! One that continues to knock you down regardless of how hard you try to stand up. The only thing that will keep you from drowning is God. He will keep you even when you don’t think you have a way out. Sometimes we have to take a moment and realize that a change will definitely come no matter how bad it seems. 

The ones that are closest to you are the ones that hurt you the most. They will hurt you in a way that is so unbelievable that you think you are dreaming. It is a hurt that shreds your very being and it will not go away. Eventually it begins to change the person who you are into someone who you do not recognize.

How do you get back from that? You stand on the ROCK! He will never leave you nor forsake you. Everything that happens; every hurt, every ounce of pain, every unforgettable moment will be healed. It takes a while but eventually you will get there. Everything is working out for your good no matter how terrible it seems at the time. It is at this moment that you need every ounce of faith you can muster!

Tell your storm: WINDS STOP BLOWING…DEATH CANT TAKE ME….YOU CANT DROWN ME WHILE GOD SURROUNDS ME!

Free Your Mind

 

“Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery.
None but ourselves can free our minds.”  
    Bob Marley

Today started off horribly. After waking up, I decided to take a look at Facebook. I am not a news  person.  There's too much negativity so I do not watch it. Not really a Facebook person either but something drew me to it this morning. Lo and behold what I saw disgusted me.

Too many senseless killings to count. What type of world do we continue to live in, where this type of behavior, from people who are supposed to protect us.... kill us and it's okay?

In one situation a four-year-old watched as her father was shot to death right in front of her. What kind of heart scratch that... you cannot have a heart and do that in front of somebody's baby. Then you don't call for help, you don't do anything, and you stand there with your gun drawn as if a dead person is going to shoot you back. Secondly there's a fifteen-year-old boy who's crying like an infant because he will never get to see his father again. Senseless. Unnecessary. It must stop at some point! What do we do as a people? What do we do as a country? We have to start doing something. Yes, we talk about it and we get angry.  Then we just stop being angry until the next person gets shot and then we're angry all over again. And we want to have hashtags and all lives matter... black lives matter... but when it's all said and done we're not doing anything - a hashtag does not change the State of Mind of this world.

We have to free our minds of this mental slavery that we have been conditioned to succumb to.....the oppression that is in this world today. We have been conditioned to think that our lives don't matter. We've been conditioned to think that we don't have value. We've been conditioned to look the other way. We're treated as savages. We were kings and queens... we had our own. We have to get back to that.  We cannot let our minds become desensitized to what's going on just because it keeps happening... No!!!!! That's not living. There's more to life then being afraid to go outside. There's more to life than being afraid to sell CD's in front of a store. There's more to life than following instructions of an officer but still getting shot to death. Injustice at its finest. I can't take it.  I am depleted right now. I have expelled so much emotion today! I have cried as if this was a close relative of mine! My soul hurts for my people. Free your mind people. Only then will you become free. Because if your mind is in bondage.... you are in bondage. That's where it starts.  If your mind is in captivity, you are going to remain in captivity. And that is not what you nor I were created for!

 



Toss Those Bricks

When I saw this quote, it spoke volumes to how I was conducting my relationships. I realized that I kept going through the same things and each time the relationship ended the same way. I thought it was them but soon I came to the conclusion that it was me.

I carried so many bricks that I built the same mansion!

 Not only are bricks a burden on you but they also weigh down anything you step into. This is why so many relationships fail. We think we can bring the same, tired, beat up bricks in and build something new but that is not reality. If you want something new, you have to start with  all new materials. You cannot refurbish a piece of furniture and sell it as a new item. It might look different on the outside but on the inside it has not changed.

Be very aware that the bricks you carry will hinder how you move forward in your relationship. The extra burden will wear you our physically, mentally, and emotionally; leaving no energy for the new relationship.

Take your bricks and toss them. Let it go then BREATHE!

Wishes

I wish I could but I can’t

This dance is not for me

I prance around with mask activated

Masqueraded by balls thrown in my court

My turn to choose...

Put on my walking shoes

Or infuse myself with confusion

Delusional

False realities

But they are my truths

 

I wish I didn’t feel

Pain

Hurt

Anger

Rage

Sadness

Mixed emotions blown out of proportion

My personal big bang theory

 Mental slavery

History repeating itself

By way of generational curses

So I begin to break them

 

I wish I had the desires of my heart

But am I ready for what my heart desires

That would require

A deeper level of soul penetration  

My only limitation is me

I am my worst enemy

I am my worst critic

 No fairy tales or picket fences

To mend

I bend like a palm tree in the middle of Miami during hurricane season

I will not break

I will get stronger

 

 

I wish I didn’t wish anymore

But then...

 where would my dreams go?

Facing the fears of my child

 

 

 

 

 

Today I had to face the fears of my child. Thirty years of surpressed pain and agony brought to the surface in an instant. How is it that the same misfortunes that threatened my existence could come back to haunt my innocent child? What did she ever do to deserve such heartbreaking pain?

 

Intentional and Purposeful!

 

That's when it dawned on me.... it was not about me, her, or the things that plagued us... it was all for the glory of God!

 

Every tear, every hurt, every moment, every second... All for Him.

 

So don't flatter your self, nothing in this world is about you!

When The Stress Gets To Be Too Much...

Woooooooooo! It has been a week. Actually it has been a month! I am not sure what is happening in the air but I have been bombarded with stressful situations. Everywhere I turned there was something going on that would make me lose a loc or two.

But then it happened...

 

I saw #trentshelton "Subtract the Stress" video on YouTube. I love his videos. They are right on point. They are not long and drawn out. His videos gives just enough for me to be encouraged to move on when I am dwelling on something.

Now even though I know that I should not even entertain the idea of getting stressed over things I cannot control, sometimes I lose my mind just a little bit. This video was just a reminder that if things are causing me to lose precious energy and are not building me up....let it go! I needed that.

I started my pruning process of people and things that were no longer good for my health. It is so good not to be weighed down by all the negativity that others can bring into your life.

No more drama! I'm Out!

School's in Session

Poetry for me is my drug of choice
its my voice
when I refuse to lose myself
in any one else but God.
So I bob and weave
float like butterflies sting like bees
like Ali, quick on my feet
and won't retreat from the battle
while you shake like baby rattles
I spit like venomous snakes
and all it takes
is one bite of one piece of one rhyme
and you'll find yourself
infected with dissected
syllables
that are capable
of changing the way you think
when cut... I bleed ink
for me poetry runs deep
and it seeps from my pores
and of course
the source
was individual letters that became words
that I heard make a sentence
that was so intense
it became a line in this rhyme
and by the time
you realize you've been bitten
what I've written
has already penetrated
your constipated
state of being
freeing you from the unnecessary
and contrary to your belief
it's a relief to release
the junk that kept you drunk
sorry honey I shrunk the morbid way you think
putting you on the brink
of revelation as my creations
from my creator removes the hateration
that has become the occupation
of so many
the work is plenty but the workers are few
so chew on that... breathe... class dismissed.

When Emotions Win

I will be the first to raise my hand and say that throughout my life I have made some very impulsive decisions. I let my feelings predict how I would react in plenty of situations. Let me tell you... BAD IDEA!!!!

Once the smoke clears and I start activating my brain cells, I usually find myself in a mess. Many of us react in anger, hurt, confusion, or any other emotions that we are experiencing at the time. Ideally, we should stop, think, and analyze. Do not over analyze... that is another topic for another day. We need to stop before we make any moves, think about what we are feeling, and analyze what  we desire for our hopeful outcome.

In the moment decisions, in most cases, do not end well. Be mindful of how your actions affect you as well as those around you moving forward. Spontaneity is not always a bad thing. It only becomes an issue when it is exercised incorrectly.

Bag Ladies

In the word's of Erykah Badu:

"Bag lady you gone hurt your back

 Dragging all them bags like that

 I guess nobody ever told you

 All you must hold onto, is you, is you, is you"

 

If you have ever experienced exhaustion that is unexplainable, this might be the issue. We tend to carry a lot of unnecessary baggage every where we go.  In most cases, we are not even aware of the burden until it becomes overwhelming. Once we start to experience the pain from the extra load, you would think we would start to drop some things. But no..... We continue on as if this is normal.

 

Let it go!!!!

 

Do you really need to carry around what he did to you or what she said to you? NO...YOU DON'T!!! It just leads to more bags being toted around. Though it is hard to let go, we have to do so in order to live life to the fullest. Don't let your extra weight slow you down or even stop you completely. Face those issues head on and watch your walk get easier.

 



 

Think Before You Leap

react

1. to act in return or reciprocally
2. to act in opposition
3. to act in a reverse way; go back to a former condition, stage, etc.
4. to respond to a stimulus; be affected by some influence, event, etc.

www.your dictionary.com

I have been facing many challenges with my social skills. At first, I would go from 0 to 100 in 2 seconds flat. Yes...that is fast. I was wasting energy on things that were not significant in my life. Wasted time, effort, moments, peace, joy, etc...

What I have learned from these unnecessary moments is that I cannot continue to let things that are beyond my control move me to a place where I lose control...I know too many controls!!! Let me explain... I cannot control who people are and what they do. I cannot control how they respond to certain situations. I cannot control other people's emotions, tongues, or spirits. Trying to do so, would only make me aggravated and frustrated; causing me to lose control.

I refuse to lose my control any longer. Since this revelation, I have been in such a peaceful space. It is like I am on vacation within myself. Nothing but crystal clear, blue, flowing water and white sands occupy my space. I call it my inner paradise.

So... my response to foolery is to have no reaction; none, zilch, nada.

I dare you to try it!

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All About Perspective

What do you see?

It is funny how two people can look at the same picture and see different things. I have recently learned that it is not how tough my situation is but how I respond to the situation that will make the difference. These last few weeks have been very tough and trying but I have had such an unexplainable peace throughout the chaos. I learned that I could not control the situation. Trying to control it only made me exhausted and frustrated. Who wants to walk around like that? I DONT!!! I changed my attitude, put on my walking shoes, and continued to strut through the mess. Though the winds blew at 100 mph and the rains poured heavily, flooding certain aspects of my life, I remained hopeful and afloat. Thank God! I have the power to create or recreate my experiences. That power has been deposited in my bank account called life. All I have to do is make a few withdrawals every now and then when I start to feel depleted.

It's all about changing how you look at situations. It starts with reprogramming your mind to not look at the glass as half full or half empty but to look at the fact that you have a glass.

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A Woman's Worth

To all my beautiful women out there... STOP PUTTING YOURSELF ON THE SALES RACK!!!!

You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. In fact, you are priceless and if someone doesn't see that... they can be dismissed. School is out for them!

Let me tell you what you are not...

You are not a doormat to be walked on and over.
You are not your dress, pants, shirt, or any other size.
You are not the side chick.
You are not a hoe, thot, tramp, or any other derogatory name.
You are not a punching bag.
You are not a bank account for constant withdrawals.
You are not your hair, clothes, or shoes.
You are not what he or she said.

Let me tell you what you are...

You are love.
You are a mother, sister, daughter, and a friend.
You are the backbone of life.
You are strong.
You are intelligent.
You are delightful.
You are beauty.
You are royalty.

YOU ARE WOMAN!!!!