I Am Not Okay!

   As the anniversary of the death of my fiancé approaches, I have been walking around as if I shouldn't still feel hurt. I put a smile on my face when I do not feel like smiling for the sake of those around me. What I recently realized was that I don't feel like smiling and I am overwhelmingly hurt. I am still filled with an overbearing pain that makes me feel as if his death happened yesterday.

I had to come to terms with the fact that not only am I dealing with the grief of the loss, but also the trauma of finding him with no breath in his body. I had to come to terms with the helplessness I felt when there was nothing I could do to save him. Not a day goes by that I do not see the image in my mind's eye.

Someone told me that it would get easier as time went on but I am not witnessing what that "easy" looks like in my reality. Time has not healed anything... It has only made me miss him more. I read somewhere that grief isn't me being weak. It isn't me lacking hope. Grief is the price for love lost. Grief comes and goes without warning. Most times I resist the tears and hold back my anger because I feel as if I need to behave a certain way around others. I do not want to burden them with my sadness so I put on my "big girl panties" and move about as if everything is well in my world.

I am now understanding the importance of not being okay and admitting it. I realize that it is perfectly fine to let others know that I am not okay. What I thought would be a burden to others ended up being a hug, a smile, a moment of laughter, or any other little gesture that would brighten up my life just at the right time.

So as I write, I am not okay and I know that there is nothing wrong with that. I know that if I continue on this journey I will have more moments of grief, however, I will be able to recognize it and move past that feeling after it has spent some time visiting.

Storms of Life

At some point life continues to throw darts at you. When you think you have gotten through one storm, there comes another one. A bigger one! One that continues to knock you down regardless of how hard you try to stand up. The only thing that will keep you from drowning is God. He will keep you even when you don’t think you have a way out. Sometimes we have to take a moment and realize that a change will definitely come no matter how bad it seems. 

The ones that are closest to you are the ones that hurt you the most. They will hurt you in a way that is so unbelievable that you think you are dreaming. It is a hurt that shreds your very being and it will not go away. Eventually it begins to change the person who you are into someone who you do not recognize.

How do you get back from that? You stand on the ROCK! He will never leave you nor forsake you. Everything that happens; every hurt, every ounce of pain, every unforgettable moment will be healed. It takes a while but eventually you will get there. Everything is working out for your good no matter how terrible it seems at the time. It is at this moment that you need every ounce of faith you can muster!

Tell your storm: WINDS STOP BLOWING…DEATH CANT TAKE ME….YOU CANT DROWN ME WHILE GOD SURROUNDS ME!

Bag Ladies

In the word's of Erykah Badu:

"Bag lady you gone hurt your back

 Dragging all them bags like that

 I guess nobody ever told you

 All you must hold onto, is you, is you, is you"

 

If you have ever experienced exhaustion that is unexplainable, this might be the issue. We tend to carry a lot of unnecessary baggage every where we go.  In most cases, we are not even aware of the burden until it becomes overwhelming. Once we start to experience the pain from the extra load, you would think we would start to drop some things. But no..... We continue on as if this is normal.

 

Let it go!!!!

 

Do you really need to carry around what he did to you or what she said to you? NO...YOU DON'T!!! It just leads to more bags being toted around. Though it is hard to let go, we have to do so in order to live life to the fullest. Don't let your extra weight slow you down or even stop you completely. Face those issues head on and watch your walk get easier.