I Am Not Okay!

   As the anniversary of the death of my fiancé approaches, I have been walking around as if I shouldn't still feel hurt. I put a smile on my face when I do not feel like smiling for the sake of those around me. What I recently realized was that I don't feel like smiling and I am overwhelmingly hurt. I am still filled with an overbearing pain that makes me feel as if his death happened yesterday.

I had to come to terms with the fact that not only am I dealing with the grief of the loss, but also the trauma of finding him with no breath in his body. I had to come to terms with the helplessness I felt when there was nothing I could do to save him. Not a day goes by that I do not see the image in my mind's eye.

Someone told me that it would get easier as time went on but I am not witnessing what that "easy" looks like in my reality. Time has not healed anything... It has only made me miss him more. I read somewhere that grief isn't me being weak. It isn't me lacking hope. Grief is the price for love lost. Grief comes and goes without warning. Most times I resist the tears and hold back my anger because I feel as if I need to behave a certain way around others. I do not want to burden them with my sadness so I put on my "big girl panties" and move about as if everything is well in my world.

I am now understanding the importance of not being okay and admitting it. I realize that it is perfectly fine to let others know that I am not okay. What I thought would be a burden to others ended up being a hug, a smile, a moment of laughter, or any other little gesture that would brighten up my life just at the right time.

So as I write, I am not okay and I know that there is nothing wrong with that. I know that if I continue on this journey I will have more moments of grief, however, I will be able to recognize it and move past that feeling after it has spent some time visiting.

Naked and Unashamed

This book sums it all up for me. I am on a writing challenge and I am writing naked and unashamed truth. It is raw and unscripted. Join me on the journey of self discovery as I find Peace from all of the broken pieces of my life.

If I were able to ask my younger self questions, I would ask her how it felt to be teased throughout her childhood. I would ask her how it felt to not have the love of her father. I would ask her how if felt to be hated by your siblings because you were the youngest. I would ask her why she felt lonely even though she had many friends. I would ask her why she did things she knew she would get in trouble for. I would ask her how she felt when her cousin tried to molest her. I would ask her why she blamed herself and why she never spoke up for herself.

My younger self will remind me that even though she was teased she made it through and is stronger for it. She will remind me that though my father did not show me love that my mother gave me all the love she had plus other family members. She would remind me that my siblings did not understand why I was treated different and they were kids who really did not know how to express themselves. Kids with their own issues and masks. She would remind me that loneliness did not feel good but because of it I know what not being alone feels like. She would remind me that the reason why I did things to get in trouble was because of the attention I felt like I couldn’t get. She would remind me that I did nothing to deserve someone violating me and I should not blame myself for someone else’s shortcomings. She would remind me that she did not speak up because she was afraid of rejection and the thought of no one believing her because she thought it was her fault.

If I were to ask my older self questions, I would ask her if she is satisfied with her life. I would ask her if she felt that everything she sacrificed was worth it. I would ask her if she ever found the love she lost on January 26^th. I would ask her how she learned to live with the pain of not sharing her life with her soulmate. I would ask her if she has any regrets in life. I would ask her if she was living her best life. I would ask her if her passion turned into her career. I would ask her if she and her children ever gotten on an even understanding about life. I would ask her when she found out her true purpose and how she walked in it. I would ask her if everything that she feared truly a reality or was she just putting up a barrier to protect herself.

My older self wants me to know that it all works out in the end. She wants me to know that I am worth every tear I have cried. She wants me to know that it will be hard work but I need to press through. She would want me to know that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. She would want me to know that if I stay committed, I will definitely succeed. She would want me to know that fear is only a crutch that I hold onto to avoid being successful. She would want me to know that success does not equate to being perfect. She would want me to know that I will find love again and this time it will be heavenly. She would want me to know that I should not close myself up. She would want me to know that I should express my feeling in ways that are healthy for healing. She would want me to know that I am more than a warrior and that I am strong. She would want me to know that my story will help so many like me. She would want me to know that I will make an impact on the world; one woman at a time. She would want me to know that when life gets tough, I should stand on the promises that God has given me. She would want me to know that I will live in that house I desire with my “happy room”.  She would want me to know that life is too short to allow others to dictate my life. She would want me to know that I am loved beyond measure. She would want me to know that my value in myself led other to believe they were worth it!