I Am Not Okay!

   As the anniversary of the death of my fiancé approaches, I have been walking around as if I shouldn't still feel hurt. I put a smile on my face when I do not feel like smiling for the sake of those around me. What I recently realized was that I don't feel like smiling and I am overwhelmingly hurt. I am still filled with an overbearing pain that makes me feel as if his death happened yesterday.

I had to come to terms with the fact that not only am I dealing with the grief of the loss, but also the trauma of finding him with no breath in his body. I had to come to terms with the helplessness I felt when there was nothing I could do to save him. Not a day goes by that I do not see the image in my mind's eye.

Someone told me that it would get easier as time went on but I am not witnessing what that "easy" looks like in my reality. Time has not healed anything... It has only made me miss him more. I read somewhere that grief isn't me being weak. It isn't me lacking hope. Grief is the price for love lost. Grief comes and goes without warning. Most times I resist the tears and hold back my anger because I feel as if I need to behave a certain way around others. I do not want to burden them with my sadness so I put on my "big girl panties" and move about as if everything is well in my world.

I am now understanding the importance of not being okay and admitting it. I realize that it is perfectly fine to let others know that I am not okay. What I thought would be a burden to others ended up being a hug, a smile, a moment of laughter, or any other little gesture that would brighten up my life just at the right time.

So as I write, I am not okay and I know that there is nothing wrong with that. I know that if I continue on this journey I will have more moments of grief, however, I will be able to recognize it and move past that feeling after it has spent some time visiting.

Naked and Unashamed

This book sums it all up for me. I am on a writing challenge and I am writing naked and unashamed truth. It is raw and unscripted. Join me on the journey of self discovery as I find Peace from all of the broken pieces of my life.

If I were able to ask my younger self questions, I would ask her how it felt to be teased throughout her childhood. I would ask her how it felt to not have the love of her father. I would ask her how if felt to be hated by your siblings because you were the youngest. I would ask her why she felt lonely even though she had many friends. I would ask her why she did things she knew she would get in trouble for. I would ask her how she felt when her cousin tried to molest her. I would ask her why she blamed herself and why she never spoke up for herself.

My younger self will remind me that even though she was teased she made it through and is stronger for it. She will remind me that though my father did not show me love that my mother gave me all the love she had plus other family members. She would remind me that my siblings did not understand why I was treated different and they were kids who really did not know how to express themselves. Kids with their own issues and masks. She would remind me that loneliness did not feel good but because of it I know what not being alone feels like. She would remind me that the reason why I did things to get in trouble was because of the attention I felt like I couldn’t get. She would remind me that I did nothing to deserve someone violating me and I should not blame myself for someone else’s shortcomings. She would remind me that she did not speak up because she was afraid of rejection and the thought of no one believing her because she thought it was her fault.

If I were to ask my older self questions, I would ask her if she is satisfied with her life. I would ask her if she felt that everything she sacrificed was worth it. I would ask her if she ever found the love she lost on January 26^th. I would ask her how she learned to live with the pain of not sharing her life with her soulmate. I would ask her if she has any regrets in life. I would ask her if she was living her best life. I would ask her if her passion turned into her career. I would ask her if she and her children ever gotten on an even understanding about life. I would ask her when she found out her true purpose and how she walked in it. I would ask her if everything that she feared truly a reality or was she just putting up a barrier to protect herself.

My older self wants me to know that it all works out in the end. She wants me to know that I am worth every tear I have cried. She wants me to know that it will be hard work but I need to press through. She would want me to know that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. She would want me to know that if I stay committed, I will definitely succeed. She would want me to know that fear is only a crutch that I hold onto to avoid being successful. She would want me to know that success does not equate to being perfect. She would want me to know that I will find love again and this time it will be heavenly. She would want me to know that I should not close myself up. She would want me to know that I should express my feeling in ways that are healthy for healing. She would want me to know that I am more than a warrior and that I am strong. She would want me to know that my story will help so many like me. She would want me to know that I will make an impact on the world; one woman at a time. She would want me to know that when life gets tough, I should stand on the promises that God has given me. She would want me to know that I will live in that house I desire with my “happy room”.  She would want me to know that life is too short to allow others to dictate my life. She would want me to know that I am loved beyond measure. She would want me to know that my value in myself led other to believe they were worth it!

Who's fault is it?

 

 

How many times will we continue to blame ourselves for other people's actions. Every person has free will and has the ability to choose what they would like to do or not like to do. The only way someone is able to make a person do something is by literally "putting a gun to their head". Even then there is still a choice.

 

 

We then tell ourselves untruths like: "if I had only stayed" or "maybe if I would have done..." or "I should, would, or could have...". You could have done everything that you possibly could to help in the situation but the mindset is a difficult thing to change. Once a person has made up in their mind that they are going to do something, there is usually no turning back. So why is it that we continue to pick up the baggage from one person and carry it around? We usually pick up the suitcase full of guilt and drag it with us everywhere we go. It begins to weigh us down and soon we become physically unable to function. I am declaring to you today that it is not your fault!!!!

 

 



Storms of Life

At some point life continues to throw darts at you. When you think you have gotten through one storm, there comes another one. A bigger one! One that continues to knock you down regardless of how hard you try to stand up. The only thing that will keep you from drowning is God. He will keep you even when you don’t think you have a way out. Sometimes we have to take a moment and realize that a change will definitely come no matter how bad it seems. 

The ones that are closest to you are the ones that hurt you the most. They will hurt you in a way that is so unbelievable that you think you are dreaming. It is a hurt that shreds your very being and it will not go away. Eventually it begins to change the person who you are into someone who you do not recognize.

How do you get back from that? You stand on the ROCK! He will never leave you nor forsake you. Everything that happens; every hurt, every ounce of pain, every unforgettable moment will be healed. It takes a while but eventually you will get there. Everything is working out for your good no matter how terrible it seems at the time. It is at this moment that you need every ounce of faith you can muster!

Tell your storm: WINDS STOP BLOWING…DEATH CANT TAKE ME….YOU CANT DROWN ME WHILE GOD SURROUNDS ME!

Free Your Mind

 

“Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery.
None but ourselves can free our minds.”  
    Bob Marley

Today started off horribly. After waking up, I decided to take a look at Facebook. I am not a news  person.  There's too much negativity so I do not watch it. Not really a Facebook person either but something drew me to it this morning. Lo and behold what I saw disgusted me.

Too many senseless killings to count. What type of world do we continue to live in, where this type of behavior, from people who are supposed to protect us.... kill us and it's okay?

In one situation a four-year-old watched as her father was shot to death right in front of her. What kind of heart scratch that... you cannot have a heart and do that in front of somebody's baby. Then you don't call for help, you don't do anything, and you stand there with your gun drawn as if a dead person is going to shoot you back. Secondly there's a fifteen-year-old boy who's crying like an infant because he will never get to see his father again. Senseless. Unnecessary. It must stop at some point! What do we do as a people? What do we do as a country? We have to start doing something. Yes, we talk about it and we get angry.  Then we just stop being angry until the next person gets shot and then we're angry all over again. And we want to have hashtags and all lives matter... black lives matter... but when it's all said and done we're not doing anything - a hashtag does not change the State of Mind of this world.

We have to free our minds of this mental slavery that we have been conditioned to succumb to.....the oppression that is in this world today. We have been conditioned to think that our lives don't matter. We've been conditioned to think that we don't have value. We've been conditioned to look the other way. We're treated as savages. We were kings and queens... we had our own. We have to get back to that.  We cannot let our minds become desensitized to what's going on just because it keeps happening... No!!!!! That's not living. There's more to life then being afraid to go outside. There's more to life than being afraid to sell CD's in front of a store. There's more to life than following instructions of an officer but still getting shot to death. Injustice at its finest. I can't take it.  I am depleted right now. I have expelled so much emotion today! I have cried as if this was a close relative of mine! My soul hurts for my people. Free your mind people. Only then will you become free. Because if your mind is in bondage.... you are in bondage. That's where it starts.  If your mind is in captivity, you are going to remain in captivity. And that is not what you nor I were created for!

 



Toss Those Bricks

When I saw this quote, it spoke volumes to how I was conducting my relationships. I realized that I kept going through the same things and each time the relationship ended the same way. I thought it was them but soon I came to the conclusion that it was me.

I carried so many bricks that I built the same mansion!

 Not only are bricks a burden on you but they also weigh down anything you step into. This is why so many relationships fail. We think we can bring the same, tired, beat up bricks in and build something new but that is not reality. If you want something new, you have to start with  all new materials. You cannot refurbish a piece of furniture and sell it as a new item. It might look different on the outside but on the inside it has not changed.

Be very aware that the bricks you carry will hinder how you move forward in your relationship. The extra burden will wear you our physically, mentally, and emotionally; leaving no energy for the new relationship.

Take your bricks and toss them. Let it go then BREATHE!

Wishes

I wish I could but I can’t

This dance is not for me

I prance around with mask activated

Masqueraded by balls thrown in my court

My turn to choose...

Put on my walking shoes

Or infuse myself with confusion

Delusional

False realities

But they are my truths

 

I wish I didn’t feel

Pain

Hurt

Anger

Rage

Sadness

Mixed emotions blown out of proportion

My personal big bang theory

 Mental slavery

History repeating itself

By way of generational curses

So I begin to break them

 

I wish I had the desires of my heart

But am I ready for what my heart desires

That would require

A deeper level of soul penetration  

My only limitation is me

I am my worst enemy

I am my worst critic

 No fairy tales or picket fences

To mend

I bend like a palm tree in the middle of Miami during hurricane season

I will not break

I will get stronger

 

 

I wish I didn’t wish anymore

But then...

 where would my dreams go?