Give Me Free!

I can finally say that I can breathe!!!

“Freedom is such, that it is desired by every creature. From this we see that it is the soul's tendency and the spirit's longing to become free. Animals and birds, however carefully educated and tended by us, still have the instinct to avoid being confined.” – The Freedom of the Soul

For the last couple of years I have been trapped in an open cage. No one was keeping me there. No one forced me to stay, but yet there I remained.  I could not grow. I could not move. I could not see. My whole life was one big stagnant mess and I did not know how to relieve myself of the prison I created in my mind. I was bound by fear and the unknown. I thought I had security in the familiar but it was all an illusion.

Moving forward when you are unable to see the next step, is a scary place to be. I realized that an even scarier place, however,  was remaining in a space where I did not belong. Not only was it scary, but it was also painful. Every moment that I chose to continue on with my day to day task, led to a small piece of me dying. I did not notice it at first ,but one day my soul screamed, "NO MORE!!!". I felt it from the core of by being and I knew it was time to change my situation.

As, I write this, I still have no clue what the next step looks like. The one thing I do know, is that I am FREE! I am no longer bound by the chains that held me captive. I have been released to fulfill a greater purpose. I am in an unfamiliar land, doing unfamiliar things and I am embracing the unknown daily. I am confidently and boldly walking into my next season. I AM, because my life and the lives of those I touch, depends on it. Someone needs to experience my gift!!! It is not about me and the sooner I press forward, the more freedom my soul will acquire. 

Let your soul breathe! Give it the oxygen it needs to thrive. Set yourself FREE!

The Struggle is Real

I have noticed that in the last few weeks, I have been sharing my story. In doing so, I have come to realize that I am finally healed from the pain and heartbreak of my past. I didn't understand why I had to go through some of the worst moments of my life. I didn't understand why I had to be on the receiving end of trauma and abuse. I didn't understand why I could not get to the other side of struggle and stay there.

Looking at my past, help me to understand my present as well as prepare me for my future. I am a survivor and I am still here for a reason. Even though it felt like death at the time, I know now that it was never about me. It is about all women! It is about my story helping someone else to understand what I didn't get for so many years. I am no longer ashamed of my story! I share it boldly because when I look in the mirror, I realize that I made it by the grace of God.

If I did not go through my struggle, I would not be the woman I am today. I would not have the passion, empathy, or drive to encourage those that are living in their present struggle. Honestly, I am thankful for everything that came my way. I used each brick thrown at me to build a sturdy foundation in which I can create a sanctuary of peace.

I will continue to trust the process because I know it works. I understand that there will be new struggles that will appear. I know that my struggle was and is real, however, it is what makes the story so amazing!

When It Hurts to Let Go

It hurts to let go but sometimes it hurts more to hold on!

 

 "Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” – Ann Lander
 

When we think about letting go, it can feel as if a piece of who we are is dying. It can be so intense that we don't want to experience the excruciating pain. With anticipation of the end of one thing, we do not even consider the possibility of beginning something new. We get comfortable in our pain until we become numb to the ache. We begin to bleed! We continue to bleed! We bleed out and we slowly begin to die inside.

We have to open our hands to receive all that is promised to us. Closed hands will not do anything except keep what it already holds and most of the time, the thing we are holding is toxic enough to destroy who we are. This behavior is what leads to the fear we create in our mental spaces.

 

Fear has a way of keeping us trapped in an open cage. Fear can be paralyzing for most of us because we have no clue what the other side looks like. It consumes us to the point of creating mental and physical bondage.

 

I have come to the realization that I fear success. I fear being in the spotlight. I fear being seen. I fear not being good enough for what I have been called to do. I fear not living up to other's expectations. I will not, however, let that fear keep me mentally or physically bound. I will create an atmosphere of courage within me by continuing to move while fearful. Courage is not the absence of fear. It is having the mentality to do IT anyway!

 

 

 

I Am Not Okay!

   As the anniversary of the death of my fiancé approaches, I have been walking around as if I shouldn't still feel hurt. I put a smile on my face when I do not feel like smiling for the sake of those around me. What I recently realized was that I don't feel like smiling and I am overwhelmingly hurt. I am still filled with an overbearing pain that makes me feel as if his death happened yesterday.

I had to come to terms with the fact that not only am I dealing with the grief of the loss, but also the trauma of finding him with no breath in his body. I had to come to terms with the helplessness I felt when there was nothing I could do to save him. Not a day goes by that I do not see the image in my mind's eye.

Someone told me that it would get easier as time went on but I am not witnessing what that "easy" looks like in my reality. Time has not healed anything... It has only made me miss him more. I read somewhere that grief isn't me being weak. It isn't me lacking hope. Grief is the price for love lost. Grief comes and goes without warning. Most times I resist the tears and hold back my anger because I feel as if I need to behave a certain way around others. I do not want to burden them with my sadness so I put on my "big girl panties" and move about as if everything is well in my world.

I am now understanding the importance of not being okay and admitting it. I realize that it is perfectly fine to let others know that I am not okay. What I thought would be a burden to others ended up being a hug, a smile, a moment of laughter, or any other little gesture that would brighten up my life just at the right time.

So as I write, I am not okay and I know that there is nothing wrong with that. I know that if I continue on this journey I will have more moments of grief, however, I will be able to recognize it and move past that feeling after it has spent some time visiting.