The Story That Is You

I must admit that I had been standing outside of my story for years! Hustling for my worthiness, trying to fit in, and neglecting my authentic self. After reading the Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, I came to realize that the put together, all of the time woman I was seeking, was only a myth.

My aha moment came when she penned these words...

" When we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don't fit with who we think we're supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving."

How many of us have done this time and time again?

I raise my hand twice because this is me!!!

I am supposed to be the strong one so I can't break down. I am supposed to be the leader so no one can see me fail. I am supposed to be the one that has the answers so I surely cannot tell anyone that I do not know.

Okay, so I am raising my hands two more times!!!

I wondered why I was continuously tired. I didn't realize at the time that I was in constant hustle mode. Trying to please others, striving for perfection, and proving myself daily left me in a state of panic mode. What if someone saw the real me? What if someone new that I wasn't strong all of the time?  What if someone knew that even though I was smiling, I was slowly dying inside?  What if someone saw me totally exposed? What if someone saw me in all of my glorious flaws?

What if?...

"What ifs" are dangerous for so many reasons. The main reason being, that it leaves you drowning in a sea of doubt that eventually becomes a raging storm. It also creates an inner turmoil so outrageously unsettling that you become a basket of unworthiness. I found myself "what iffing" (yes, I said it... we are going to make it a thing) so much that I lost the true purpose of who I was and what I needed to share. My story is not so different from many of you who are reading this, however, it is mine and I should own it. I should live it. I should understand that someone needs to see me in my not so strong moments. Someone needs to see that everything is not perfect. Someone needs to see how I continue on in spite of the flaws. This my friend, is reality! I was feeding others a false sense of what real life looks like. I do not want anyone to think that if you break down that you are not strong. Or that you are a failure if something didn't work out as you thought. I do not want to be responsible for misleading anyone into what I now call the "pseudo dimension".

In the pseudo dimension, everything that glitters is gold. Life is perfect and so are we. Everything we try is an absolute success and let's not forget that everyone wears rose colored glasses. Sounds great, right?... not so much!!!

Brene Brown went on to say that, 

" Owning our story and loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing that we will ever do."

If this doesn't show strength, then I think I have this thing called life all wrong. Being brave does not mean we have to fight bears in the woods or not cover our face during a scary movie. It means being afraid but doing it anyhow. It means courage!

Own your story!

Love yourself while you do!

You will grow tremendously and you will also be in a position to help someone else by sharing!

Thoughts That Kill

Thoughts!!!

Throughout my life, I did not realize how much I was sabotaging my own life by the thoughts that I kept on a daily basis. Negativity consumed my mind and therefore it controlled my life. I didn’t understand, at the time, how something so small could make such a huge impact.

Searching my kindle, I ran across a book called Your Thoughts Are Killing You by Marybeth Wuenschel. This book gave me a new perspective about changing my thoughts to avoid the struggles that I continued to find myself stumbling into.

“ A stronghold begins with just a thought and, if allowed, can grow from one thought into a series of thoughts that become default thought patterns. These thoughts take control and capture what they were never authorized to take: our peace of mind and self-control.“

All I could say after digesting those two sentences was, “WOW” !!! I was giving my negative thoughts power and they were not even supposed to have access to any of it. I had physically manifested what started as a small whisper of doubt, fear, and unworthiness into a giant mudslide called my life. I could not blame anyone or anything on this disaster. It was all me! Once I realized this, I understood that since I created this life, I could also UN-create it.

This was a process! An everyday, change how you think about things process. My perspective was no longer seeing the glass as half empty. At this point, I was just happy to have a glass. I began to become grateful for each day and each opportunity. Good or Bad. Yes, bad experiences are opportunities as well. I have done my best growing in those times.  It was not easy so I took it one small victory at a time. I celebrated when I reached every tiny step that allowed me to get closer to my goal. When I missed the mark, I did not berate myself. I just picked myself up and kept on going.

You have the ability to live an abundant life! All you have to do is believe in you!

We are not perfect and we will make mistakes, however, that is never the end. Set small attainable goals for yourself and celebrate each moment of success no matter how minor it may seem. When negative thoughts pop in, don't dwell on them. Instead, replace them with something positive.

Saving yourself starts with the thoughts you keep!

You got this!

Give Me Free!

I can finally say that I can breathe!!!

“Freedom is such, that it is desired by every creature. From this we see that it is the soul's tendency and the spirit's longing to become free. Animals and birds, however carefully educated and tended by us, still have the instinct to avoid being confined.” – The Freedom of the Soul

For the last couple of years I have been trapped in an open cage. No one was keeping me there. No one forced me to stay, but yet there I remained.  I could not grow. I could not move. I could not see. My whole life was one big stagnant mess and I did not know how to relieve myself of the prison I created in my mind. I was bound by fear and the unknown. I thought I had security in the familiar but it was all an illusion.

Moving forward when you are unable to see the next step, is a scary place to be. I realized that an even scarier place, however,  was remaining in a space where I did not belong. Not only was it scary, but it was also painful. Every moment that I chose to continue on with my day to day task, led to a small piece of me dying. I did not notice it at first ,but one day my soul screamed, "NO MORE!!!". I felt it from the core of by being and I knew it was time to change my situation.

As, I write this, I still have no clue what the next step looks like. The one thing I do know, is that I am FREE! I am no longer bound by the chains that held me captive. I have been released to fulfill a greater purpose. I am in an unfamiliar land, doing unfamiliar things and I am embracing the unknown daily. I am confidently and boldly walking into my next season. I AM, because my life and the lives of those I touch, depends on it. Someone needs to experience my gift!!! It is not about me and the sooner I press forward, the more freedom my soul will acquire. 

Let your soul breathe! Give it the oxygen it needs to thrive. Set yourself FREE!

The Struggle is Real

I have noticed that in the last few weeks, I have been sharing my story. In doing so, I have come to realize that I am finally healed from the pain and heartbreak of my past. I didn't understand why I had to go through some of the worst moments of my life. I didn't understand why I had to be on the receiving end of trauma and abuse. I didn't understand why I could not get to the other side of struggle and stay there.

Looking at my past, help me to understand my present as well as prepare me for my future. I am a survivor and I am still here for a reason. Even though it felt like death at the time, I know now that it was never about me. It is about all women! It is about my story helping someone else to understand what I didn't get for so many years. I am no longer ashamed of my story! I share it boldly because when I look in the mirror, I realize that I made it by the grace of God.

If I did not go through my struggle, I would not be the woman I am today. I would not have the passion, empathy, or drive to encourage those that are living in their present struggle. Honestly, I am thankful for everything that came my way. I used each brick thrown at me to build a sturdy foundation in which I can create a sanctuary of peace.

I will continue to trust the process because I know it works. I understand that there will be new struggles that will appear. I know that my struggle was and is real, however, it is what makes the story so amazing!

When It Hurts to Let Go

It hurts to let go but sometimes it hurts more to hold on!

 

 "Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” – Ann Lander
 

When we think about letting go, it can feel as if a piece of who we are is dying. It can be so intense that we don't want to experience the excruciating pain. With anticipation of the end of one thing, we do not even consider the possibility of beginning something new. We get comfortable in our pain until we become numb to the ache. We begin to bleed! We continue to bleed! We bleed out and we slowly begin to die inside.

We have to open our hands to receive all that is promised to us. Closed hands will not do anything except keep what it already holds and most of the time, the thing we are holding is toxic enough to destroy who we are. This behavior is what leads to the fear we create in our mental spaces.

 

Fear has a way of keeping us trapped in an open cage. Fear can be paralyzing for most of us because we have no clue what the other side looks like. It consumes us to the point of creating mental and physical bondage.

 

I have come to the realization that I fear success. I fear being in the spotlight. I fear being seen. I fear not being good enough for what I have been called to do. I fear not living up to other's expectations. I will not, however, let that fear keep me mentally or physically bound. I will create an atmosphere of courage within me by continuing to move while fearful. Courage is not the absence of fear. It is having the mentality to do IT anyway!

 

 

 

I Am Not Okay!

   As the anniversary of the death of my fiancé approaches, I have been walking around as if I shouldn't still feel hurt. I put a smile on my face when I do not feel like smiling for the sake of those around me. What I recently realized was that I don't feel like smiling and I am overwhelmingly hurt. I am still filled with an overbearing pain that makes me feel as if his death happened yesterday.

I had to come to terms with the fact that not only am I dealing with the grief of the loss, but also the trauma of finding him with no breath in his body. I had to come to terms with the helplessness I felt when there was nothing I could do to save him. Not a day goes by that I do not see the image in my mind's eye.

Someone told me that it would get easier as time went on but I am not witnessing what that "easy" looks like in my reality. Time has not healed anything... It has only made me miss him more. I read somewhere that grief isn't me being weak. It isn't me lacking hope. Grief is the price for love lost. Grief comes and goes without warning. Most times I resist the tears and hold back my anger because I feel as if I need to behave a certain way around others. I do not want to burden them with my sadness so I put on my "big girl panties" and move about as if everything is well in my world.

I am now understanding the importance of not being okay and admitting it. I realize that it is perfectly fine to let others know that I am not okay. What I thought would be a burden to others ended up being a hug, a smile, a moment of laughter, or any other little gesture that would brighten up my life just at the right time.

So as I write, I am not okay and I know that there is nothing wrong with that. I know that if I continue on this journey I will have more moments of grief, however, I will be able to recognize it and move past that feeling after it has spent some time visiting.

Naked and Unashamed

This book sums it all up for me. I am on a writing challenge and I am writing naked and unashamed truth. It is raw and unscripted. Join me on the journey of self discovery as I find Peace from all of the broken pieces of my life.

If I were able to ask my younger self questions, I would ask her how it felt to be teased throughout her childhood. I would ask her how it felt to not have the love of her father. I would ask her how if felt to be hated by your siblings because you were the youngest. I would ask her why she felt lonely even though she had many friends. I would ask her why she did things she knew she would get in trouble for. I would ask her how she felt when her cousin tried to molest her. I would ask her why she blamed herself and why she never spoke up for herself.

My younger self will remind me that even though she was teased she made it through and is stronger for it. She will remind me that though my father did not show me love that my mother gave me all the love she had plus other family members. She would remind me that my siblings did not understand why I was treated different and they were kids who really did not know how to express themselves. Kids with their own issues and masks. She would remind me that loneliness did not feel good but because of it I know what not being alone feels like. She would remind me that the reason why I did things to get in trouble was because of the attention I felt like I couldn’t get. She would remind me that I did nothing to deserve someone violating me and I should not blame myself for someone else’s shortcomings. She would remind me that she did not speak up because she was afraid of rejection and the thought of no one believing her because she thought it was her fault.

If I were to ask my older self questions, I would ask her if she is satisfied with her life. I would ask her if she felt that everything she sacrificed was worth it. I would ask her if she ever found the love she lost on January 26^th. I would ask her how she learned to live with the pain of not sharing her life with her soulmate. I would ask her if she has any regrets in life. I would ask her if she was living her best life. I would ask her if her passion turned into her career. I would ask her if she and her children ever gotten on an even understanding about life. I would ask her when she found out her true purpose and how she walked in it. I would ask her if everything that she feared truly a reality or was she just putting up a barrier to protect herself.

My older self wants me to know that it all works out in the end. She wants me to know that I am worth every tear I have cried. She wants me to know that it will be hard work but I need to press through. She would want me to know that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. She would want me to know that if I stay committed, I will definitely succeed. She would want me to know that fear is only a crutch that I hold onto to avoid being successful. She would want me to know that success does not equate to being perfect. She would want me to know that I will find love again and this time it will be heavenly. She would want me to know that I should not close myself up. She would want me to know that I should express my feeling in ways that are healthy for healing. She would want me to know that I am more than a warrior and that I am strong. She would want me to know that my story will help so many like me. She would want me to know that I will make an impact on the world; one woman at a time. She would want me to know that when life gets tough, I should stand on the promises that God has given me. She would want me to know that I will live in that house I desire with my “happy room”.  She would want me to know that life is too short to allow others to dictate my life. She would want me to know that I am loved beyond measure. She would want me to know that my value in myself led other to believe they were worth it!